Didn’t I mention that I wanted to stop overthining? But what to do when it keeps hitting over and over again. I am stuck somewhere I don’t belong. I feel like being put in a cage and even if I see the doors getting open, I am afraid to fly away. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being hurt more that I have already been. But isn’t even that the simple “living”?
Oh yes, the walk. I love the nature. I love it when I feel the sun caressing my face. Breeze coming from the water on my skin. I touch the fresh grass as I sit on it. Smelling the soil, trees, I listen to buzzing everywhere around me. She is happily laying next to me, in the shadow. No one around. Sometimes I think what it would be like to be completely alone on the whole planet. It’s sorta what it feels like when I go out very soon in the morning, before the sun goes up. It’s silent. Peaceful. Clean, like the world is new. Like, you can build a new one if you want to.
The night is different. When I leave at weird times, like 4-5 in the morning, it’s still dark but it’s different. The mood is different. Silent and calm. Safe place. I feel safe. I know that I am not not alone because I feel life everywhere around me, but it is not overwhelming like during the days when everywhere you look at there is someone. Like insects….running, buzzing, breathing, yelling….. and I feel out of place. People are overwhelming sometimes. Usually. I feel like I have to hide in order to remain me, or remain faithful to myself. Not only I am not fitting in. I don’t want to fit in. An another wise quote: if nothing else, Tetris taught me that if you fit in, you disappear.
Disappearing is perfectly fine, but we can only disappear from the eyes of this world. Be unseen, live under…ground. Beyond the mundane. I can understand they like it because they see it everywhere. I understand that sheeps like to feel safe, they like to be together. They probably like that there is someone above them who takes care of them and all they need to to is just have to go with the herd. It’s comfortable. You don’t really need to worry about much.
And here we are at the beginning. I apparently like to worry. Think and fantasize. Dream and wake up. Hope and get burnt. Because if we don’t try….how can we obtain anything? Trial and error….over and over again…because once it will have to work out. There’s no other way around. Once all the pieces will fit into the puzzle and everything will make sense. And the picture will be beautiful and as perfect as can be.
“Lilith Delacourte, Bratislava”
